FIVE

This Song. I tried to pick a few lyrics from it to post, but every single word from this song is where I am today. I can't shake it.

In our last post, you might remember me telling about the children that our home study was being reviewed for -- we found out yesterday that our home study wasn't chosen. again.

If anyone is counting this makes disappointment #FIVE.

When we initially found out that our home study was being reviewed for this little girl I said that I wouldn't get my hopes up, so that if this happened I wouldn't be broken.

...but then I learned her name.

...and then I saw her sweet little face.

And it's almost impossible to not dream about her at night or look at little girl clothes in a store or put things in your cart on potterybarnkids.com for her room (and then take them out bc no one can really afford to decorate a room from there entirely).

It's hard to hear the words "Her case manager went with an African American family because they felt that was in the best interest of the child." Hard y'all. Like really really hard.

Hard to know that my skin color was the main factor that seperated that child from our family. Maybe there was more to it. But if there was, they didn't say so.

Yesterday I was furious - I don't really know why. But, today - today I am sad. Heartbroken, actually.

This ache in my soul is a combination of months and months of disappointment.

And trust me when I say
....and I KNOW that God is faithful.
....and I KNOW that in his time he will send us a child that needs our family.
....and I know that he will never forsake me.
....and I know that all things work together
....and I know that he loves me.
....and I know .... I know... I know...

But it doesn't make it hurt ANY less. And it isn't any less confusing. and It doesn't help me sleep at night.

I don't want any pity parties - really. I don't. Chances are if you see me, I won't want to talk about this at all. It's just how I am. But, please remember my heart in your prayers.

This heartache mixed with one of my best friends moving next week is about to break me down. And in all seriousness--- ain't nobody got time for that.

I'm not discouraged in the process - because I know that this is the road that the Lord has sent us down & like I said - I know that he is faithful & I know that he is good.

So - now - we are back in the waiting process.
Waiting for another child & waiting to send them our home study & waiting for them to review it & waiting for the end result.

Have you picked up on the whole... I don't like to wait... thing? 

Thanks for taking the time to read my sad post & thank you, friends, in advance for your prayers.

-Jay