FIVE

This Song. I tried to pick a few lyrics from it to post, but every single word from this song is where I am today. I can't shake it.

In our last post, you might remember me telling about the children that our home study was being reviewed for -- we found out yesterday that our home study wasn't chosen. again.

If anyone is counting this makes disappointment #FIVE.

When we initially found out that our home study was being reviewed for this little girl I said that I wouldn't get my hopes up, so that if this happened I wouldn't be broken.

...but then I learned her name.

...and then I saw her sweet little face.

And it's almost impossible to not dream about her at night or look at little girl clothes in a store or put things in your cart on potterybarnkids.com for her room (and then take them out bc no one can really afford to decorate a room from there entirely).

It's hard to hear the words "Her case manager went with an African American family because they felt that was in the best interest of the child." Hard y'all. Like really really hard.

Hard to know that my skin color was the main factor that seperated that child from our family. Maybe there was more to it. But if there was, they didn't say so.

Yesterday I was furious - I don't really know why. But, today - today I am sad. Heartbroken, actually.

This ache in my soul is a combination of months and months of disappointment.

And trust me when I say
....and I KNOW that God is faithful.
....and I KNOW that in his time he will send us a child that needs our family.
....and I know that he will never forsake me.
....and I know that all things work together
....and I know that he loves me.
....and I know .... I know... I know...

But it doesn't make it hurt ANY less. And it isn't any less confusing. and It doesn't help me sleep at night.

I don't want any pity parties - really. I don't. Chances are if you see me, I won't want to talk about this at all. It's just how I am. But, please remember my heart in your prayers.

This heartache mixed with one of my best friends moving next week is about to break me down. And in all seriousness--- ain't nobody got time for that.

I'm not discouraged in the process - because I know that this is the road that the Lord has sent us down & like I said - I know that he is faithful & I know that he is good.

So - now - we are back in the waiting process.
Waiting for another child & waiting to send them our home study & waiting for them to review it & waiting for the end result.

Have you picked up on the whole... I don't like to wait... thing? 

Thanks for taking the time to read my sad post & thank you, friends, in advance for your prayers.

-Jay

Have you been waiting on a blog post?

We've had alot of people ask us lately "Are you guys still adopting"... "How's the adoption process going"and so on. When I started this blog, I made a commitment to follow it through & I haven't done a very good job. So... brace yourselves. This is probably going to be a very long post.

My hope for this year is to update this on a more regular basis!

Since I last posted, we have done ALOT for this whole process. We finished & turned in our IMPACT training paper work. It was literally hundreds of pages of paperwork. They wanted to know (over and over again) our names/personal information, finances, address, etc. In addition to that, the paperwork asked a few questions about why we were wanting to adopt, our discipline practices, the layout of our home and etc. After our training classes, we had 45 days to turn the paperwork in. I'm serious when I say that it took us every bit of 45 days to complete it!

Once that was turned in, it had to be reviewed (to make sure we did everything correctly) & approved. Once it was approved, DFACS scheduled an in depth home study. That sounds easy doesn't it? Welllllll, for us it was a little more complicated since the in depth home study needs to be in the home that the children will be living in. Our house, at the time, had currently just sold & we were in the process of packing/moving. To make a LONG story short, we have some seriously awesome friends that helped us move into our new house (that we didn't even own yet - but had to rent) and completely unpack in 2 days! The man that did our home study came the very next day & he never knew that we were only there for less than 48 hours! ha! :) THAT is how awesome our friends are. That is how awesome the Lord is. The Home study was done in 2 parts & took about 6 hours total. Once he was finished, he wrote a report on what he had seen/heard/observed & submitted it for approval. Our home study was approved shortly there after. Now - we are just waiting on a child. So, the answer to the question is YES - we are definitely still adopting. 

Those are the bare facts. That's where I wish that 2012 ended.

But in the midst of all of that...

There was a baby. and a birth mother. & papers drawn up. & plans made. & then minds changed just weeks before delivery. not our minds. & a baby born in need. and my heart was broken. all of our hearts were. they still are. Every day I wonder if that baby is being held enough & having all of it's needs met. I'm waiting for a day for that baby not to cross my mind. I'm fervently praying for that day.

There also were three little boys that our home study was reviewed for (with DFACS, when children become available for adoption, your home study - along with others- is reviewed and if the child's case manager thinks you are a match, then you can begin the adoption process).  The part I wish I would have paid more attention to was the "along with others" --- our social worker never told us that there were other studies being reviewed and as far as we were concerned, in our hearts those boys were ours. But, the case manager awarded them to a family that has no children. We were sad --- but I know that those sweet boys are being taken care of & will never want for anything. I'm grateful that they will be wanted & adored!

I now spend HOURS scouring www.adoptuskids.org & looking at hundreds of faces everyday. When I see children that I think would like our home I call the number and send them our home study. and wait.

We also have gotten a few leads from local case managers that want to review our home study for children in their care. so we are waiting on that, too.

and waiting.

and wwwwaaaaiiiiitttting.

The misconception about dfacs adoptions is that they are quick and easy -- I am here to tell you that they aren't either of those things! But, with that said -- I know that the day is coming where the Lord is going send us the child/children meant just for our home.

It's hard, y'all. It's hard to have a new house that you bought so you could fill it up with children... and walk past empty bedrooms everyday. It's hard to answer your children when they ask "Why does God want this to take so long?". It's hard to pack up things that you bought for children that will never be yours. It's hard to explain the same heartbreaks over and over and over again.

But, nothing worth having ever came easily. Did it?

So there you have it - we're officially in the hard part. The WAITing part. And we have been for a few months now.

This has certainly been no walk in the park... or on the beach. But, it's been a walk, for sure. One where I have had to lean completely on the Lord to guide me because it is completely out of my control. I'm becoming okay with that. Maybe that was the lesson in all of this.

Whatever the lesson is - I am begging him daily to let me learn it.