C4C: My Take Away

 

This picture is my Mom (in the center, grey shirt) and my siblings, their spouses and kids. One of my brothers, his wife & 2 girls are missing from this photo.

I'm not a stranger to adoption. Not even close. Of my 7 siblings, 5 of us are adopted. Each one of our stories are so drastically different - but, in spite of that, together we're a family.

My mother has never hidden the fact that I was adopted from me. Any time I had a question, or needed to know something - she would always answer me in a very honest, but age appropriate, way. I think the most common question I asked her, and it wasn't often, was, "Why?" She always answered in a way that led me to have compassion for my birth mom. I never had a negative view of her. I can't honestly say that I loved her, but I certainly was not angry with her, or upset by her actions.

I think that the compassion that my mother tried to instill in me gave me a tangible hope for my birth mom.  I realize now how silly this sounds, but in my child-mind, I had hoped that the experience of losing a child to an addiction would have spurred some kind of emotion in her that would cause her to seek help. I had hoped that loss would have been enough to push her to overcome it. Growing up, when I pictured her in my mind... she was sober. She wasn't an addict. She had a family and a neighborhood and a life that she could be proud of.  I took some small ownership of this made up new life I imagined for her because I knew that it was there because something hard (losing me) helped her to get there. Something inside of me knew that wasn't a reality, but it was my child-mind dream of her, nonetheless.

It was a cool Fall afternoon in South Alabama when I got a phone call that I will never forget. I was 14 years old... I had just made cheerleader that year. It was the day before our first football game and I was pumped. In fact, I was at a friend's house going over some routines that I was behind on when it happened. My mom called and said she was on her way to pick me up. She said "We would talk about it when we got home;" no one likes to hear that.

My bio Mom was in a terrible car accident in a town about 12 hours away from where we lived & doctors didn't think she was going to make it. The only number in her purse when the medics came to the scene was my Momma's.

My Momma. My sweet, sweet Momma that always knows more than I know, said that we were going to the hospital where she was. I was NOT happy about it - pitched the fit of the century - but like all good Mommas do, she made me go anyway.  Looking back now, I can't imagine what my Mom must have been feeling. She probably held her breath for the entire 12 hours. I wish I could go back and be nicer on that car ride. If she was worried, I didn't take the time to notice - but if I knew then what I know now,  I would have done something besides sit in the back seat with my arms crossed, whining about how I was going to MISS THE GAME! Heaven. Forbid. I. Miss. The. GAME!

When we got to the hospital, we learned that they had determined that she would live. I was glad. However, I can't even describe to you the way I felt as I watched, in what seemed like slow motion, every dream that I had ever dreamed for my biological mother literally dissolve in front of me. Three of my younger siblings (that I didn't know about... that all lived in different homes) were sitting in the waiting room. Their foster parents had brought them there & the stories that their foster parents were telling about how my siblings ended up in their homes didn't sound anything like the life of happiness born from tragedy that I just knew my  biological mother was living.

I can't recall a time in my teenage years that I was more heartbroken, confused, hurt, and ANGRY than I was that day. I had spent my entire life thinking the best of her. All of my life I had been told that I was smart, but for the first time in my life I felt like a fool. How could she? Why would she? Didn't she know that she could do better?

The reality is this:
I don't think that that she believed she could do better. She still doesn't.
I don't understand.

I know now that there are some things in life that I will never understand. It has taken me a long time to get here,  but I'm finally okay with not understanding.

I say ALL of that to tell you THIS:

At my dinner table at Created for Care I was seated at a table with several other women that are foster mothers or have adopted children from foster care. We were safe to discuss things there at that table that we can't normally discuss with our everyday people. I can't even explain to you how nice that was.

It's no secret to the general public that when the state removes a child from a parent permanently, some serious things have happened before the situation got to that point.

Because I love my boys, I pray ALL the time for their first Mom. I'm thankful for her. Without her, I wouldn't have them. I desperately want her to overcome the demons that she battles so that one day my boys don't live through what I did & that one day in heaven the Lord can redeem all this time that she has missed out on in the lives of our boys.

My heart longs for them to one day be proud of her!

I have prayed SO HARD for her to be an overcomer! I've begged the Lord to pull her out of her pit.  But, if I am really honest, I was praying prayers that were full of doubt. I've thought things like, "people just don't come back from this" right in the middle of my prayers (lies swirling around in my head).

As if the Lord can't do anything about it. Oh, me, of little faith.

We were talking about this at dinner on Friday night. I wish you could have seen the surprise/shock/astonishment (what ever word you want to pick) on my face when a beautiful, put-together, happy-go-lucky woman at my table told me to not give up on my prayer because she, too,  had fought those SAME demons that my boys' mom is fighting for seven years!

SEVEN YEARS. Seven years fighting a demon that usually wins.

But NOW... NOW!!!!!!!! This new life-long friend is an overcomer!! Healed! A Believer! A child of the Lord!! My sister in Christ!!! She has been REDEEMED!!!!

I left that meal with a tear stained face, a brand new confident prayer and HOPE.

It just sealed that on my heart even more when I heard Beth (our main speaker) talk about her daughter who had come to Lord by the power of intercessory prayer from a woman that she had never met.... but had only only seen her daughter's picture. Just like me. Also, when Beth told the story of Mark 5, where the Lord crossed the sea to cast demons out of ONE SPECIFIC PERSON, I knew she was talking to me. I know now, after that dinner at C4C, there's hope where I thought there was none.

It was like the Lord whispered those words right into my very soul when I needed them the most. He knows what you need & he is always on time.

Additionally, on Saturday night there was a panel of women from all different adoption journeys. One of them (Amber, who just happens to be my high school band director's niece - cue the music for It's a Small World After All) was speaking from a domestic adoption standpoint where she knows her children's birth family. I loved so much when she read Jesus' lineage in Matthew 1. This was so good for me to hear, only because I don't think I had ever paid any attention to that before - when you get some time, click on that link and read the people in the lineage of OUR MESSIAH. I guarantee that you will recognize the names of some people that are very broken by the standards of the world.

I heard 2 things from her reading that passage:

• The Lord can take anything that is broken and use it to make something beautiful.
• I am not a product of my biology. Neither are my boys.

Tears fell down my face onto my shirt as she read those names. When it was over, I felt like a weight that I didn't even know was there was gone. I took a deep breath - the kind where all of your lungs are full of air. I sighed & praised the Lord for that revelation. Y'all. He knew I needed to hear that, even if I didn't know I needed it.

Like I said, he is always on time.

Attending Created for Care was incredibly outside of my box - but, I am so thankful that I went. I'll definitely be back next year.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly" Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus Loves ME, this I know.

Let me take you back to something that happened to me in 2011.

It was a cold(ish) Fall Day in South Georgia & I was having a moment. Ladies, I know that you know what I'm talking about. Those moments where NOTHING in your world is going your way. Specifically, at this moment... nothing in my CLOSET was going my way. I know.. first world problem, right?

So, I did what any girl would do. I may have said to my sweet husband.. "I'm not going! I don't have anything to wear!" (I can't even remember what the plan was anymore)... but I Didn't go... and I stayed home & cleaned out my closet. I mean CLEANED it OUT! I pulled garbage bag after garbage bag out of there. Shameful. I mean it. Why I had that many clothes in my house, not being worn, was ridiculous.

Then, I called a friend that wore around the same size I did & I said COME AND GET THESE CLOTHES. TONIGHT. Get them out of here! So, she did.

After we carried them to her car we were casually talking about our day & she mentioned that she was excited about her "new" clothes. I told her to enjoy them, that I really loved most of those clothes & that I was more unhappy with the way that I looked, personally, than I was with any of those clothes. I said it so casually, because it was true, that I didn't even think about it.

That's when it happened.

She just looked at me, kind of flabbergasted, and said "I never would have guessed that. You always seem so confident & put together."

It was in that moment that I knew I had been successful in something that I wasn't even trying to do. Something I didn't WANT to do. Something that I had judged other people (in my head, of course) for doing... thinking to myself things like "faker" or "no one is that happy all the time" --- and then BAM. There it was. I was one of those people.

Her comment, that I know she didn't even think about, made such an impact on me that I can still remember it vividly. I think about it when I get dressed sometimes. I think about it when I am trying to hush my children in a store or quiet them in a restaurant. I think about it when I post something on social networking. I think about it when I am putting on makeup before running into a store for a minute. I think about it almost daily.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want anyone to think that about me.

If you don't know ANYTHING else about me, know these things:

I don't have it all together.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not confident in very many things.
I question almost everything I do.
I struggle.
I obsess over stupid things.

Y'all.
If there is something that I do and do it correctly - it's because the Lord willed it to be so. I'm a mess without him, y'all.

Like, a BIG mess.

People tell me all the time "I don't know how you do it! Four little boys!!" --- Well, I know exactly how I do...  I don't do it! The Lord does.

If we make it through the day with no injuries & no major melts... it's because the day started with a "Help me make it through this day, Lord" prayer!

I'm so thankful that Jesus Loves Me --- EVEN the mess. Even the chaos. Even the ugly.

Jesus loves ME. The real me.

At the end of the day - no matter how long the day was... I KNOW that to be true.

& I am thankful for that. Not always thankful enough. But thankful, nonetheless.